How to Easily get Your Manuscript Published Part 3

Be a Politician at the National Level with Possible Presidential Aspirations

The third in a series on how to easily get a book published.

Congratulations!  You’ve done most of your hard work already just by getting elected or appointed to a national office.  This gets you an automatic publishing deal.  I’m not sure why, when it comes to politicians, the big publishers drop any and all standards.  But if the $1 shelves at the bookstore tell a story, it’s that publishers must have made some sort of smoke-filled backroom deal with Congress to not only publish any and all books presented to them by politicians, but also to print 50 million copies of said books.

If you can’t write, no problem.  You’ll get a ghostwriter (more on that later in the series when we get to celebrities).  The key to successfully writing a book as a politician is to remember the details to include and the details to exclude.

The details to include:

1. Your impoverished-to-middle-class-typical American childhood.  Include this even if the closest you’ve ever come to a middle class person is your maid.  In fact, ask your maid to help you with this part for added realism.
2. Your experiences on “the farm.”  Remember: the field trip to the tourist farm with your elite elementary private school counts.  This might seem a tad disingenuous but you’re a politician so, yes.
3. Your struggle to the top and how you had to fight tooth and nail to get to where you are.  Don’t sell yourself short here.  It takes a lot of work to make the same promises election after election, to never deliver on even one of them and yet somehow manage to remain in office for decades.  Brag on it a little.  (Though, with limits.  See #8 on the list below)
4. You’re the “real deal,” not just some “career politician.”  This is especially necessary to include if you have made a career out of politics.
5. You have blue collar roots.  No one has to know you’re talking about your designer polos in prep school.
6. Your love for hamburgers, pizza and other peasant slop that you used to try at boarding school on a dare.
7. How you want to help the average American with their problems even though you have zero idea what these are.  Though you did hear once that there are some people who have to answer their own doors and there are others who don’t summer on Martha’s Vineyard.
8. You fight and yet unite.  Leave out the fact that these strategies are mutually exclusive.

The details to exclude:

1. That you have six houses, a yacht and a private airplane.
2. That you have never actually used public transportation nor that when you hear people say “Uber” you think they’re using either a prefix or a German pronoun.
3. That you think anyone with an income of $60,000 and below must be a homeless person.
4. Any foods with French names.  The only foods with French names that are acceptable are: French dressing, French onion soup and French fries.  If you’re Republican, you lose French fries in that you must call those Freedom fries.
5. The sports you played if they are rowing, polo, squash or croquet.
6. That you are a multi-millionaire even though you’ve never held a private sector job.
7. That your office is used to launder money.
8. The fact that you have never delivered on a single promise.  Even though one of your promises is to keep you promises.

TheTitle:

Once the book has been written, the publisher will give you the title.  They’ve developed an algorithm that selects from a host of bland political bywords such as: truth, hope, courage, risk, decision, promises, dreams, American, maverick, leadership, without apology, etc.  It then randomly spits them out into the book’s title. 

The Cover:

The final step is to shoot the cover photo.  You have three choices:

1. Yearbook shot – looking at the camera with a smile that has been focus-grouped as genuine.
2. King Solomon shot – Looking off in the distance, arms folded, deep in wise thought.
3. In action shot – walking very importantly with some underlings near a government building, brow furrowed and looking like you’re making important decisions.

And there you have it.  Yet another easy path to getting your book published.

The next in the series of how to easily get your book published: Being a Celebrity.