Be the Spouse or Child of an Incredibly Famous and Lucrative Author
The second in a series on how to easily get a book published.
Quite possibly the only easier way to get a book published than being the child of a publisher would be to be a spouse or child of an incredibly famous and lucrative author. In order for this to work, the author you are related to has to have a name with so much cache that the font sizes for the title and their name are reversed from that of a new, unknown author and their title. Put simply, If the author’s name takes up 50% or more of the book cover and you’re not even sure what the book’s title is, you are probably related to an incredibly famous and lucrative author.
If your author meets the front cover criteria and you are a spouse or child, there is very little work to do aside from writing the book.
As a spouse, there’s an unspoken assumption that you’re going to write a book. The incredibly famous and lucrative author is obviously very good at his trade and, therefore, will make it look easy to do. As the spouse, you’re eventually going to think, “That doesn’t look so hard. I could do that.”
Once the author’s name becomes synonymous with their genre, the publisher will pre-write out the spouse’s publishing contract and just wait for the inevitable manuscript to show up.
It’s win/win for the publisher for two reasons:
- They get to keep their biggest money maker happy
- They get to release yet another book with the incredibly famous and lucrative author’s name on it:
“by : so-and-so” (in very tiny font) “the spouse of Incredibly famous and lucrative author” (In font so large it almost pushes the spouse’s name off of the cover of the book. Nobody has any idea what the actual title of the book is.)
Publishing the work of the author’s children tends to be a little more complicated – for the publisher, not the child. The publisher still has reason #1 listed above to publish the book, but for a period of time, they lose reason #2. That’s because, as the child of an author, you want people to think you got published on your own merit, because your writing was actually good and not because you are the child of an incredibly famous and lucrative author. This is doable, you just need to follow a series of steps.
First, you must insist on submitting the manuscript under a pseudonym. Your incredibly famous and lucrative parent, knowing the real odds of just getting an agent, never mind the infinitesimal odds of getting the thing actually published, goes along with the charade of letting you “do it on your own.” Then, just as soon as you have made this stand for career autonomy and then left the room, your parent will make a call to their publisher.
And so begins the tricky process of giving you a successful book without making it look like the book was a success because of your parent.
You will next receive a faux rejection letter. Let this not trouble you. It is merely there to give you a taste of what genuine new and unknown writers go through in the typical process of querying and getting rejected. It is in no way an authentic rejection letter. It is just a letter with the words “Rejection” written across the top so that you can show it around for credibility. The actual body of the letter has some suggestions for some minor changes to implement in your manuscript before re-submitting, something true new authors never get.
Your second submission is, of course, accepted. You are then assigned to junior staff, to make it look as though everyone has bought your pseudonym and doesn’t know that you are the offspring of the incredibly famous and lucrative author whose book sales are half the income of the publishing house. Of course, the junior staff are all directly overseen by the Publisher who sees to it that the manuscript is clandestinely re-written, if need be, in order to make it palatable for the public.
The book is then released under your pseudonym.
This is the most difficult part. You will initially experience the sales of a new and unknown author which can be quite disheartening, especially in comparison to the sales of your parent. But fear not! Your book is about to get a big boost.
After about a year, your book will be declared a “critical success” which means, essentially, it was in no way popular. It is at this point that the publisher will suggest revealing your pedigree. You agree to it. You have, after all, acquired some “critical success” and have proven you can make it as an author in your own right without the crutch of using your parent’s name. You have your rejection letter to prove it.
In fact, you are honoring your parent by telling the world that you are their child because now the world can see that not only is the author incredibly famous and lucrative but from their loins has sprung forth a new generation of literary genius that is maybe not so popular amongst the hoi polloi, but that has achieved their own “critical success.”
At this point, the book is re-released with the same cover configurations as the spouse of the author and voila, you acquire not only “critical success” but bestseller status as well and the publisher has finally regained their reason #2.
Now you just need to memorize this small speech for all of the interviews with magazines and television you will receive that no other new, unknown author could ever even dream of:
“I used a pseudonym with my first book to prove that I could get a book published on my own merit and not because I am the child of an incredibly famous and lucrative author.”
Carry that rejection letter around with you like it’s an Epi-pen and there’s a Planter’s Peanuts plant on every corner.
And there you have it. Another easy path to getting that book published.
The next post in the series of how to easily get a book published: In honor of the upcoming election – Being a politician at the national level.
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