How to Easily Get Your Manuscript Published Part 1:

Be a Child of a Publisher

The first in a series on how to easily get a book published.

Probably one of the easiest ways to get a book published is to be the child of the publisher at a major publishing house.  You just need to prey on the strong urge of a parent to indulge their offspring.  Make sure to use the titles “mommy” or “daddy” instead of “mom” or “dad”.  Addressing your parents with an affectionate moniker ending in “y” is 90% more effective with getting your way than using more mature parental titles.  And make sure to end the request with a passive-aggressive reminder of how the parent being addressed disappointed you in some way in the past.  The more distant in the past, the better.  The parent will surmise that this must indeed have been a very scarring disappointment if you are still carrying it with you after all this time.

Though easy, being the kid of a publisher at a major publishing house could still take a little work if you’re not a good writer.  The parent does, after all, have a professional reputation to uphold and will probably balk at publishing a manuscript that is complete and absolute drivel (unless it’s from a celebrity, but we’ll tackle that later in the series).  If this is the circumstance in which you find yourself, you will need to discover a way to overcome the parent’s propensity for not wanting to destroy a prestigious career that took decades of hard work and toil to create.

The two ways to overcome this inclination for wanting to maintain hard-earned success are as follows:

1. Undertake an unsuccessful, though wildly expensive career.  Your best bet is probably something in the arts in which you can get lots of costly education yet still not have even the tiniest bit of talent.  So, perhaps painting, acting or fashion, any of which would be an excellent choice.  Insist that the parent purchase everything needed to set up your career: college, supplies, venues and business cards designed by the world’s chicest business card designer.  Proceed in that career with gusto.  When you grow bored with failing in that career, move on to the next one, starting the whole process over again. Timing is crucial with this strategy.  The key is to find the point at which absolute revulsion in helping launch yet another one of your careers overtakes the pride the parent has in their own career.  Too soon and the answer will still be no and you’ll have to start the exhausting life of starting career after career with other people’s money all over again.  Carrying on too long and the parent will reach their limit and cut you off financially. You’ve got to find that sweet spot of exasperated-but-still-looking-at-you-with-pity even though they’re starting to weep when they pay for things.  If they’re not weeping, it’s too soon.  If the pity has vacated their eyes, you’ve gone too far and will soon need to start looking for work in reality television or do a stint in rehab.

2. Date somebody the parent absolutely hates and keep dating them until you hear the magical words, “What will it take to get rid of that $%&*?  I will literally give you anything.”

And there you have it.  An easy path to getting that book published.  

The next post in the series of how to easily get a book published: Being an incredibly successful and lucrative author’s relative.